


The Ghost of You

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock - Fandom, Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Extra fluff, Fluff, Giving Up, John being accepting, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, My First Fanfic, Post-Reichenbach, Sad John, psychological problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:11:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where John thinks he's facing the ghost of Sherlock instead of the real him.</p>
<p>Confusion, betrayal and acceptance floods John as he slowly comes to know the truth behind Sherlock's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Two weeks of hallucinations before hitting realisation

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at posting an official fic and not beta'd
> 
> John's POV

I observed the leaves that were dancing along with the wind, making soft rustling noises that were able to calm my yet again, aching heart. That was when I saw the blurry dark figure in the corner of my right eye. I turned to look and was greeted by the overwhelming sight of you.

"Sherlo-", i whispered but cut myself from saying your whole name as I was convinced that this was just a hallucination.

I felt a variety of emotions flooding through my veins at the same time. I could feel my legs giving away, unable to support myself due to the image of you standing across of me. _Why?_ I wanted to ask you but couldn't find the courage to speak up without my voice breaking, _after all this time away, why come back now?_

The next day, I went to see Ella, my therapist and also psychiatrist. I told her about seeing you standing outside my house yesterday and she scribbled something down. After that, I didn't say anything else.

Two weeks after that first day I saw you outside my house watching me observe the leaves, I was in the kitchen making tea when I saw you again. You were sitting on an armchair that was similar to the one you used to favor when we were still living in Baker Street and you weren't dead. You sat there like you always do for the past weeks, watching me move around the kitchen. I didn't mind that you were here, truth be told, I like having you around, even if you might actually not be. I sat on my chair, which was opposite you, sipping my tea.

"I miss you," I finally confessed after some time, "why did you do it? Why leave?"

By then, I already had tears running down my cheeks. Though you never answered any of my questions or even say anything, your presence was all that it took to bring back the raw memories of your death. Even if I was hallucinating, just seeing your face or those unruly dark curls of yours can unleash the rawest of my emotions.

You opened your mouth as if to say something, and that's when the clock strikes 12 midnight. You stood and walked to the front door to leave like you always do every midnight. This time though, you glanced at me before you left out the door as if to make sure I was alright, but I wasnt. You left me in tears yet again.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of Mrs. Hudson, my former landlady and now a frequent visitor of my new shoe-box sized flat, vacuuming. She always says that she's 'in the area' for an excuse to come and check up on me if I was still mourning Sherlock. Since she visits quite a lot, I gave her keys to my flat so I wouldn't have to bother opening the door early in the morning such as this. I went downstairs after the vacuuming stopped to find her arranging the pile of newspapers and magazines. Despite her attempts at convincing Sherlock and I that she wasn't our housekeeper when we were still at Baker Street, she sure does act like one.

I made coffee when you showed up walking through the other flat entrance that was connected to the kitchen. For some reason, you tend to avoid using the front door in the mornings. Like you always do in any other day for the past weeks, you sat on a stool by the counter. I sat across of you when I suddenly heard Mrs. Hudson's scream piercing the silence.

" **SHERLOCK?!** "

I stared at her for a full minute, observing the different expressions that ran across her face. She looks confused at first, then scared before resting on a reliefed expression. I took several moments to collect my thoughts before having the courage to ask.

In a hushed tone, I finally whispered the question that changed my views, "you can see him too?"


	2. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock's POV

"You can see him too?"

I could hear the pain in his voice, it was like a shock of cold water being splashed right to my face. I couldn't breathe. After all this time _visiting_  him, it was fine seeing him cry thinking that I was a part of his imagination, but now, watching his painfully confused expression as reality drops right in front of him, it was all too much.

J _ohn. My John was really hurt_. _And I just stood by to watch him break_.

Without warning, a surge of pain was painted across my jaw as I stumbled onto the floor. I stared at you. Bewildered that you just punched me in the jaw. I realised then that you were more angry with me than anything else, so I took a deep breathe and pleaded.

"John, It was-"

"DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME!" Your harsh tone like a stab in the heart.

I kept silent and let you speak, "after all that I- I _mourned_  for you, Sherlock. For three years! For three  _sodding_ years. Just so that I know, do you care about me at all?"

And that was when it all hit me, you thought I left because I didn't care about you. _Oh John... you've never been more wrong._

Your eyes locked with mine as if begging for an answer, "John, it's not what you think"

"Oh really? Then please do explain to me why you left me all alone thinking that... thinking that you were dead."

Our eye contact momentarily broken by the sound of Mrs Hudson shuffling out the front door, leaving you and I alone. I looked back at you and slowly moved to sit on the floor after stumbling because of the punch. You watched me, not missing one single move, waiting for me to explain.

"Moriarty," I start and could see you flinch slightly, "he threatened to kill you if I didn't jump. I had to do it, John. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you"

"But you could bear the thought of me losing you and not you me."

"John-"

"NO! YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT" Screaming at the top of your lungs, your voice breaking at the end, "you don't know what I've been through."

You covered your face with your hands and you started shaking. That's when I heard the sobs coming from you, it was obvious you were trying to hold it back. It hurt me to see you like this.

"John, I didn't mean to hurt you, I was trying to protect you." I stood up and walked across towards you to hold you in my arms. I couldn't help tears from running down my cheeks as I held you for the first time in three years.

"Sherlock..." you were trembling and it only made me hold you tighter.

"It's alright John, I'm here now." I whispered through tears, "I'm not going anywhere." And I know it was the truth.

You fisted my shirt at the back, nails digging into my skin, "don't you fucking dare leave me again. You don't get to leave."


	3. The Moment I Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in John's POV taking place in the scene right after the previous chapter. 
> 
> If you're wondering, yes the title is inspired by Taylor Swift and no, I'm not a swiftie.

I held him for what seems like forever, which I wouldn't mind if it really was forever. Your whisper was soft, tickling the nerves of my ear, yet it was also rough and raw to hear.

"John," you paused to hold me tighter and I let you, "I know what I did may seem like a punishment to you, but it was more of a punishment to me. You've no idea what I did to hold myself from running straight to you and telling you I was alive. I'm sorry, John. I'm really truly sorry for causing you pain. I didn't know it would affect you this much, I'm sorry."

An apology coming from Sherlock is considered to be a one in a million occasion, and to have heard it now, directed towards him was all it took.  _I believe you._

I took me a moment to realise that I didn't say it aloud, but when I felt you moving away from me slightly to study my face, I knew that you somehow heard my thoughts. It's as if we're connected.  _Maybe we are connected._

I didn't realise that we've moved to the sofa. Even though you look pale and cold, but you managed to surprise me when your warmth seeped into me, making me feel alright as you wrapped yourself around me. It's like you're trying to engulf me, trying to keep me isolated from the rest of the world but you. Only you. As if you were actually trying to keep me safe somewhere  _inside_ of you. I've never been thankful for being held so close to anyone before now. I cried again, without even realising it. You're presence ( **actual** presence) is overwhelming me to tears.  _You're alive! My Sherlock is **alive**._

With that, I let myself drift off to a dreamless sleep in your arms. Protected from nightmares. You're my armor. 

***

I awoke with the feel of a soft movement on the back of my head. It's like someone was caressi- My eyes flew open and I scrambled to the edge of the sofa. Your eyes found mine and I could see the hurt radiating from your eyes. I let out a sound too much like a whimper.  _Sherlock._

"Sherlock," I whispered with an obvious tremble to my broken voice.

You sighed, almost too softly to be audible, "John"

We both looked at each other for a long while, afraid to close in any distance between us in case something might happen that would make the other go away. The silent staring was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. I sighed, stood up and picked up the phone.

"John Watson."

"John, it's Sarah," she started, sounding worried, "why didn't you come to work this morning? The clinic was packed today."

I turned around to look at the wall clock. 2:17 pm.  _Shit,_ I thought,  _I slept through the morning._

"Look Sarah, I've uhh... got myself ill this morning and forgot to ring you and call in sick. Sorry" I lied, turning around seeing your amused expression towards my lie and I scowled, wiping the look off your face.

"Oh, are you alright?" Came the voice through the phone.

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I just need some rest"

"Alright, take care"

"Okay, bye." And switched off the phone so there'll be no more interuptions.

"Sherlock, why didn't you wake me up for work this morning?" I asked when I finally sat back beside you on the sofa, taking note of how you name rolled off my tongue.

"You looked content and peaceful," You replied matter-of-factly, "I haven't seen you like that in a long time. I didn;t want to disturb you now that you'vr gotten a decent rest without nightmares and such."

I considered that answer for a moment, "wait, how did you know that was the first time I've gottena 'decent rest' in a long time?"

You looked fairly flushed of embarassment for a moment before clearing your throat and answering, "Mycroft."  _Well, that made sense, I suppose._ I looked around, feeling self-concious now that I know Mycroft planted some sort of spy cam somewhere in my falt. But everything was flushed away when I felt the soft brush of another lips on mine. 

_Your lips._


	4. Sentiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff. Sorry, I guess I have to push the smut back a bit.
> 
> Sherlock's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this at school during physics class, so bear with me for there are bound to be mistakes and weirdness going about.
> 
> As usual, this is non-beta so any mistakes are all mine.

I don't know what came over me until I had the impulse to kiss you but it felt right to do so. You were hesitant at first, the longer I dragged the kiss, the more you melt into my mouth. Kissing you felt right. It felt  _perfect._

If I could, I would've kissed you for the rest of my life, but the inevitable need for air forces me to pull back in order to suck in Oxygen for my lungs. Necessities.  _Urgh._

Your facial expression tells me everything. Tells me your whole story for the past three years. Pain. Longing. Sadness. Alone. Love. Broken. All compacted in one single John Watson.

"John," I said, breaking the pattern of our syncronised breathing.

"...yes?" You mumbled, sounding half dazed after the kiss.  _Interesting._ I couldn't help myself so I kissed you again, enjoying the feeling of a sold John Watson pressed agaisnt myself. For the first time in three years, this isn't a dream. This is reality. Without warning whatsoever, I blurted out a confession to you in a hushed tone, "I miss you."

Your eyes widened a fraction before resting on a more relaxed expression, "I missed you more."

No indication that this was about to happen, we burst out into a fit of laughter.  _Pure laughter._  The first time I've laughed for three years.  _Three years._

After the laughter subsidides, I gazed at your face. Your amazing face, and I could a whole story written along the wrinkles etched on your soft skin. That slight twitch under your eyes indicating just how content you are, on how much you're trying so hard not to break into a mess of giggles again. I love seeing you like this. I wish I could see you like this all the time. Every time.  _I love you._  

I was drowned by the overwhelming need to crush you in a loving embrace. To ensure myself that I'm not the only one who needs reasurance. I need to know that you need me too. And I did just that. Look at myself, I'm stooping to the lowest level of basic idiotic human needs. I'm kneeling down to my own emotions.  _Sentiment._

But I'd kneel down for John any time. I'd do anything for John. For John, anything.

I hate repeating myself but I couldn't help it. It was like a mantra on how much I'm wiling to do anything for John because I love him.  _Because_   _I love John Watson._ It was a daily reminder to never ever let him suffer again. That I shouldn't forget him. wouldn't forget him. couldn't forget him. And will  _not_ forget him. _He's the centre of my gravity. no, scratch that, he's the centre of my **universe.**_

 _ **  
**_"Sherlock," John said, sounding highly worried judging by the intonation of your voice, "why are you crying?"

"Crying? I'm no-" I stopped mid sentence when I brushed my fingers across my cheeks to find the statemtn to be true. I gave a non-committal snort, "Huh... I am."

"Are you alright?" you asked. I looked at you and you were already looking at me. Closely. I took a moment to just appreciate you. John. John who was always waiting and so loving. John who was so caring. John who was so unbelievably loyal. John who was so strong. John who was in Afghanistan. John who was his blogger. John who was always there for me. John who was just so predictably...  _John._ _  
_

"Yes, I'm fine. I was just thinking."

"As if you do anything else," you replied with a slight smirk. I wanted to say something to that but you only raised up your hand to silence my retort. I've never been more fond of you before than I did at this moment. Everything was back into its rightful positions as they should be, with Sherlock Holms and Dr. John Watson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is already COMPLETE!!

**Author's Note:**

> Idk if this is okay, poor John is undergoing confusion in the next chapter. Will update soon!


End file.
